S01E01.

Kids, breakfast!

Kids?

Phil, would you get them?

Yeah, just a second.

Kids!

That is so...

Okay.

Kids! Get down here!

Why are you guys yelling at us when we're way upstairs?

Just text me.

All right, that's not going to happen, and wow, you're not wearing that outfit.

What's wrong with it?

Hey, do you have anything to say to your daughter about her skirt?

Sorry. Oh, yeah, it looks really cute, sweetheart.

Thanks.

No, it's way too short. People know you're a girl.

You don't need to prove it to them.

Luke got his head stuck in the banister again.

I got it. Where's the baby oil?

It's in our bedside tip.

I don't know. Find it.

Come on!

I was out of control growing up there, you know?

I said it.

I just don't want my kids to make the same bad mistakes I made.

If Haley never wakes up on a beach in Florida half naked, I've done my job.

Our job. Right.

I've done our job.

Vamos, mami!

Kick it, kick it! Don't let him kick it!

Mami, go!

A la derecha, a la derecha!

No! No, no!

He tricked him, Jay! Where's the penalty?

Gloria, they're 0-6.

Take it down a notch.

We're very different.

Jay's from the city.

He has a big business.

I come from a small village.

Very poor, but very, very beautiful.

It's the number one village in all Colombia for all the... What's the word?

Murders.

Yes, the murders.

Mami, stop him!

Stop him! You can do it!

Kick it! Kick it!

Come on, Mami!

Damn it, Mami!

Come on, coach. You gotta take that kid out.

You wanna take him out?

How about I take you out?

Honey, honey.

Why don't you worry about your son?

He spent the first half with his hand in his pants.

I've wanted to tell her off for the last six weeks.

I'm Josh.

Ryan's dad.

Hi, I'm Gloria Pritchett, Mami's mother.

I'm her dad.

Her dad? No, that's funny.

Actually, no, I'm her husband.

Don't be fooled by the...

Give me a second here.

Who's a good girl?

Who's that?

Oh, she's adorable.

Thank you.

Hi, precious.

Hi.

We just adopted her from Vietnam and we're bringing her home for the first time.

She's an angel. You and your wife must be thrilled.

Sorry. Sorry.

Sorry. Daddy needed snacks.

Hi.

So...

What are we talking about?

Uh, we have been together for, uh, five years now.

And, uh, we just decided we really wanted to have a baby.

So we had initially asked one of our lesbian friends to be a surrogate.

Then we figured, they're already mean enough.

Can you imagine one of them pregnant?

No, thank you. Ick.

You saw that, right?

Everybody fawning over Lily and then you walk on and suddenly it's all, "Ooh, SkyMall, I gotta buy a motorized tie rack." All right, you know, I'm gonna give the speech.

You are not giving the speech.

You're gonna be stuck with these people for the next five hours.

You're right. You're right. Okay, I'm sorry.

Hi, hi. We got that baby with those cream puffs.

Okay, excuse me. Excuse me.

But this baby would have grown up in a crowded orphanage if it wasn't for us cream puffs.

And you know what? Note to all of you who judge.

Love knows no race, creed, or gender.

And shame on you. You small-minded, ignorant few.

Rachel. What?

She's got the cream puffs.

Oh.

We would like to pay for everyone's headsets.

( music playing )

Buddy, why do you keep getting stuck like this?

I thought I could get out this time.

I'm just gonna say it.

He needs to be checked by a specialist.

Ow.

There. Be free, Excalibur.

I'm having a friend over today.

Who?

Him. Him?

Ooh, a boy.

You gonna kiss him? Shut up.

Easy, easy. Shut up.

Don't even talk about it. Look, Alex, why don't you take it outside, okay? And do what?

Fight in the sun. It'll be a nice change.

Hey, Ellie. I'm kidding. Who's the boy?

His name is Dylan.

You know, I might as well just tell him not to come because you guys are just going to embarrass me again.

Sweetie, hang on a second.

You're 15, and it's the first time you've had a boy over.

I mean, I'm bound to be a little surprised, but I'm not gonna embarrass you.

Better go charge the camcorder.

[laughs]

I'm kidding! Come on! Who you talking to?

I'm the cool dad. That's my thing.

I'm hip.

I surf the web.

I text, LOL, laugh out loud, OMG, oh, my God, WTF, why the face?

Um, you know, I know all the dances to High School Musical, so...

♪ We're all in this together ♪ ♪ Yes, we are ♪ ♪ We're all stars ♪ ♪ That means something, you know it ♪ Mom! Dad!

What happened?

Luke just shot me! I didn't mean to.

Are you okay?

No, the little bitch shot me.

Language!

They're only plastic BBs. It was an accident.

What did I tell you would happen if you got him a gun? Tip with this.

Buddy, uncool.

That's it?

No, no, no, no, no, no. The agreement was that if he shoots someone, you shoot him.

We were serious about that?

Yes, we were, and now you have to follow through.

I'm so sorry!

Liar.

Go.

He's got a birthday party.

What's more important here, Dad?

You can shoot him afterwards. He'll be home at 2.

I can't shoot him at 2. I'm showing a house at 2.

What about 3?

No, he's got a soccer game at 3, and then, oh, we gotta leave for that dinner at 5.

You can shoot him at 4.15.

Yeah, I guess that works for me.

Shoot Luke.

Sorry, dude, it's on the calendar.

Oh, come on.

I'm quitting soccer.

It is a game for children.

No, you're not quitting.

You would have stopped that goal if you weren't staring at that little girl.

She is not a girl. She's a woman.

You know, Gloria, that little blow-up with that other mom, why do you have to do things like that?

I'm just saying you could take it down here a little bit.

That's all.

Well, yeah, 'cause that's where you live, down here, but I live up here.

You don't have to be so emotional all the time.

That's all I'm saying. Manny, you're with me on this, right?

I want to tell Brenda Feldman I love her.

Oh, for God's sakes.

Manny, she's 16.

Oh, it's okay for you to take an order of her?

Hey, watch it.

I want to go to the mall where she works, but first I need to get my white shirt, the silk one.

Okay, if that's what you really want to do.

If you put on a puffy white shirt and declare your love for a 16-year-old, you're gonna be swinging from the flagpole in your puffy white underpants.

Stop the car! Where are you going?

You see? You heard his feelings.

Yeah, well, if it toughens him up a little bit, then...

Oh, jeez, he's picking flowers.

Manny's very passionate, just like his father.

My first husband, he's very handsome, but too crazy.

It seemed like all we did was fight and make love, fight and make love, fight and make love.

One time, I'm not kidding you, we fell out the window together.

Which one were you doing?

I'm hearing this for the first time.

This doesn't worry you?

She barely slept in the plane, and she's still wide awake.

Oh, stop worrying.

Hey, Cam, that orphanage, it was all women.

Maybe she just can't fall asleep unless she feels a woman's shape.

I guess that's possible.

So here.

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Yes, I've gained a few extra pounds while we were expecting the baby, which has been very difficult, but apparently your body does a nesting, very maternal, primal thing where it retains nutrients, some sort of molecular physiology thing.

But that's science.

You can't...

You can't fight it, so...

I'm not saying anything.

You're saying everything.

Count to three.

One, two, okay.

Three!

Oh, Cam.

Oh, my God, do you love it?

Yes.

What the hell is that?

I had Andre do it while we were gone.

Is that us with wings?

We're floating above her, always there to protect her.

Okay, well, that's reassuring, right, Lily?

Yes, we tore you away from everything you know, and now you're here, your fathers are floating fairies.

Can you call Andre? Have him paint something a little less gay?

By the way, we need to stop having friends with names like Andre.

Red-headed, Dad. It's angry, Daddy.

No, I'm not.

Yes, you are. Even Pepper pointed it out on the way home from the airport.

Okay, that's another one. Pepper!

Okay, what's up?

All right, look, I...

I never told my family we were adopting a baby.

I know.

You do?

Yeah, and I don't blame you.

I know your family. You'd tell 'em.

They'd say something judgmental.

Exactly. You'd get mad.

I know, and then something that's supposed to be nothing but joyful suddenly turns into this huge fight.

And who wants a big, emotional scene like that?

Thank you, thank you. I'm so relieved you understand.

I invited them over for dinner tonight.

What?

I had to! This would have gone on forever.

You're an avoider.

No, no, no, no, Cam, I'm calling them right now. I'm canceling.

No, you're not. You're telling your family you adopted a baby tonight.

And you do have avoidance issues? Even Longinus said so.

Are you really not hearing these names?

[doorbell rings]

Don't answer it! I'll get it!

Hi! Hey, you must be Dylan.

Hey, Dylan, yeah.

I'm Hayley's mother.

Okay, now let's go.

Okay, hang on one second.

Whoa. Dylan.

You're still in high school?

Yeah, I'm a senior.

A senior. Okay, cool.

Hey, Phil, sweetie, honey, he is Dylan, and he is a senior.

You need to scare him.

Let me meet this playa.

Phil Dunphy, yo.

It's like that. You just stare down at him, let the eyes do the work.

Your mouth might be saying, "Hey, we cool," but your eyes are like, "No, we not." "Nice to meet you." "No, it's not." "It's all good." "It's not what's..." Yo. Yo.

Okay, I've seen-- Wait, wait, wait.

You two...

You two keep it real.

I'm sorry, son. Not really.

Please stop.

That's cool.

Oh, God, that's my back.

Ow. Oh, I slipped on the baby oil.

Oh, where are you from originally?

I could defeat you if it came to a physical confrontation.

I don't know about this.

Should I call a doctor?

No, no, no, no, no.

You're very strong, Holmes.

Thanks.

Okay, nice. Nice soft landing.

Okay, let's go.

I am on my side, though, so just flip me right back, and we're good. We'll be good.

I just need to get flipped right on my back, and we should be fine, so...

Brenda Philman.

What is that?

A poem I've written for Brenda Philman.

Of course it is.

I put my thoughts into words and now my words into action.

Hey, I give you 50 bucks not to do this.

I'm 11 years old.

What am I gonna do with money?

What are you gonna do with a 16-year-old?

Slut, a bullfighter.

Ever see a bullfight?

I can't watch this.

You're in such a bad mood, and I know why.

It's because that man thought you were my father.

No.

Jess. No.

When you say no like that, it's always "Jess." Come on, we're in the mall. Let's get you, like, some younger clothes.

There's a store there that I know-- I don't need any younger clothes, and I don't care what some jackass in a pair of ripped jeans thinks about me.

Good. You shouldn't.

You should only care what I think.

I love you, and I don't care how old you are.

So stop being a gloomy goose and stop being so hard on Manny.

The only reason I'm hard on Manny is just because I don't want to see him make a fool of himself.

And I can smell that hair goo of his from here.

Look, I don't know what's gonna happen to him over there, but you're his family now, and that means only one thing.

You'll be the wind in his back, not the spit in his face.

What?

Something my mom always says.

It's gorgeous in Spanish.

Look, it's there.

She has a boyfriend.

Ay, I'm sorry, mi niño.

I gave her my heart, and she gave me a picture of me as an old-time sheriff.

Aw.

You were jealous of me, wasn't it?

No, mi amor. It was brave, right, J?

Brave.

Well, you'll know better next time.

Come on, let's get a pretzel.

Mentira, me sí me gusta.

[squeaks]

Uh, excuse me, sir.

We ask that all mall walkers stay to the right.

[indistinct radio chatter]

Alex!

Get out! Mom!

Alex, leave your sister alone!

I was just getting my book, gosh.

I know, sweetie, but you need to respect their privacy.

What are they doing up there?

Nothing.

Lying in her bed watching a movie.

Okay.

Um, I'm making a cake for tonight.

You want to help me with the frosting?

Sure.

So, you know, if Hayley got pregnant, would you ever pretend she has mono for a few months and then, like, tell everyone the baby's yours?

What?

The senior at school was out sick for, like, four months, but Jenna Resnick swore she's out breastfeeding at a coin-op car wash.

[sighs]

Buddy.

What are you wearing?

Nothing.

Uh-uh. No jacket. One hat.

How many pairs of underwear do you have on?

One.

Six.

First of all, it would be really cool to see Hayley that fat, and how awesome would it be to have a fake little brother who's really my nephew.

Hayley is not getting pregnant.

[clears throat]

You're just saying "if." You're gonna make trouble for your sister, but it's not gonna work this time. You know why?

'Cause your sister's a good girl.

I know. I was just like her when I was...

I want you to know, I'm not enjoying this, but this is an important lesson that you're learning, so...

soak it, keep it.

[clears throat]

You're too close.

It's gonna hurt. It's supposed to hurt.

And why are you smiling?

I'm...what?

[birds chirping]

Oh, forget it.

I can't do this.

The point is, you're scared.

I think you've learned your lesson.

Ow!

Mom? What are you doing?

Hey, I was just, um, dropping off some laundry. Is this a bad time?

Yeah. Oh.

Okay.

Can you shut the door, please?

Actually, we're just gonna go ahead and leave that open. Why?

Because I have, uh, seen this little show before.

Lying on the bed with a tall senior.

One minute you're just friends, watching Falcon Crest, and the next you're lying underneath the air hockey table with your bra in your pocket.

Whoa. Mom!

You hit my bone! It was an accident!

I thought you were my friend! I am your friend!

Dad! Dad, Dad, you have got to talk to Mom.

She is, like, completely freaking out and embarrassing me.

Well, honey, your mom isn't always as cool about things as I-- Ow!

What is with this thing? Ow!

My dad, uh, my dad still isn't completely comfortable with this.

Um, he still does this thing.

It's been five years now, and he still does this thing where he announces himself before walking into any room or ren, just to make sure he doesn't have to ever see us kiss.

Yeah. Wish my mother had that system.

Remember her?

Not now.

I still can't believe you did this to me.

Would you get in the spirit of things?

It's a celebration.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, God.

Okay. I'm gonna go get Lily ready.

Okay. And I want you to just come straight out with it. Alright.

Okay? You can do this. Yeah.

Sports guy chest bump. No. Sports guy chest bump.

Oh! Do it. Alright. Go. Sorry.

Oh.

[exhales]

Hey!

Hi. How are you?

Hi, guys. Hey.

Oh, thank you. Thanks.

Oh, don't thank us. Open it. Dad is coming right behind.

[doorbell rings]

We're here. Coming in.

Don't worry, Dad. Nothing gay going on here.

May I take your multicolored coat and bejeweled cap? Yeah.

Hey. Hey, Jay.

Gloria. Hi.

How are you? Hi, Delores. Hi, Gloria.

How are you? Oh, a beautiful dress.

I thank you, Phil.

Okay.

No, wait. Phil.

That's how she says "Phil," not "feel." So how was your trip?

It was good. It was good, actually. But, um, about that, I have something that I need to tell you guys.

Um, we didn't just go to Vietnam, uh, for pleasure.

We, uh, kind of have some big news.

Oh, God. If Cam comes out here with boobs, I'm leaving. Dad?

I hope he didn't embarrass you, Mom.

Oh, don't mind her.

Haley had her first boy over today, and Phil shot him.

Anyway, um, so about a year ago, Cam and I started feeling this longing, you know, for something more, like, uh, maybe a baby?

Ooh, that's a bad idea.

What do you mean, bad idea? Well, kids need a mother.

I mean, if you two guys are bored, get a dog. Okay, we're not bored, Dad.

I support you, Mitchell, even though you're not my son. I-I-I think what Dad is trying to say is that, uh, Mitchell, you're a little uptight, kids bring chaos, and-and you don't handle it well.

Oh, that's not what Dad's saying.

That's what you're saying, and it's insulting in a whole different way. Okay, people, let's all chillax. Hey, where's Uncle Cameron? Thank you.

Thank you. Someone who's not insulting me notices he's not here.

Oh, so that's the big announcement, huh?

You two broke up.

Well, a baby wasn't gonna help that anyway.

And you know, let me tell you, you're a little better off because he was a bit of a drama queen.

No, no, no, stop, stop. No, you come into my house and you insult me and my boyfriend, who, by the way, is not that dramatic.

And... Oh, God.

(singing in foreign language)

Adopted a baby.

Her name is Lily.

Oh, exciting!

Just turn it off.

I can't turn it off. It's who I am.

The music.

Come say hi to Lily.

(all talking at once)

You're so cute.

Let me see her, let me see her.

Hi, Lily.

Lily, isn't that gonna be hard for her to say?

Excuse me.

Okay, I know that I said I thought this was a bad idea.

But, uh...

what do I know?

I mean, it's not like I wrote the book on fatherhood. Been trying all my life to get it right. I'm still screwing up.

Right, Manny?

I wrote a song about it in the car.

Of course you did. Uh...

Anyway, I'm happy for you.

And, uh, you should know that, uh, I'm not here to spit in your face.

I'm here to blow at your back.

Uh...

I don't understand.

It's supposed to sound better in Spanish.

(speaking Spanish)

Wow.

That's beautiful.

Thank you.

Anyhow, Mitch, uh...

No, Dad, it's...

I got it, I got it.

She wants her grandpa.

You want to meet Grandpa?

Are you kidding? She's one of us now.

Let me see the little potsticker.

Hey, you're a cutie, aren't you?

(all chattering)

Oh!

We're from different worlds, yet we somehow fit together.

Love is what binds us through fair or stormy weather.

I stand before you now with only one agenda-- to let you know my heart is yours, Feldman, comma, Brenda.

I mean, seriously.

Luke, so far, you know, hasn't beaten me in basketball.

It's 2-0.

2-0.

(grunts)

Get that weak stuff out of my kitchen!

Can you do me a favor?

Ooh!

How's the weather down there?

But when the day comes that he does win-- if, you know, if-win-- he beats me.

I'm just gonna be like, "Well done." Well done.

Just, like, let him-- just support him in that kind of stuff.

I mean, I probably want to just go, like, two out of three and just see what happens there, but...

(static crackling)

(dramatic music)

♪ ♪

(dramatic music)